i want the zebra!

Supporting Children Who Struggle with Turn-Taking and Waiting

Today I’d like to talk about something that can be really tricky in our children’s well-being sessions — when children find it hard to take turns, wait patiently, or accept that someone else has the toy, object, or role they wanted.

These moments can challenge even the most experienced practitioners. When a child becomes upset, angry, or ‘makes a scene’, it can knock our confidence and leave us wondering how best to respond. Over the years — through my time as a teacher, and more recently as a children’s well-being practitioner — I’ve learned a few things that have really helped. I’d love to share them with you.

1. Understand What’s Really Going On
It’s easy to view a child’s outburst as attention-seeking or “bad behaviour.” But what’s actually happening beneath the surface is often dysregulation — the child’s nervous system is overwhelmed. No one chooses to be that upset. They’re not giving you a hard time; they’re having a hard time.

Some children who struggle particularly with demands, control, and turn-taking may fit a profile often referred to as Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). Personally, I prefer the term Persistent Desire for Autonomy — it feels more accurate and less judgmental.

These children have a deep need for autonomy over their choices, their bodies, and their environment. When they perceive that autonomy being taken away, they can experience genuine distress. Understanding this shifts our perspective from “managing behaviour” to supporting regulation.

It can really help to communicate with teachers, parents, or carers (where possible) to understand what triggers these moments and when they tend to occur. Patterns often emerge — and once we understand them, we can begin to plan ahead.

2. Build Trust Through Relationship
Children are far more likely to trust your guidance when they trust you.
When I first start teaching a group, I often have children who get very distressed if I say, “It’s not your turn right now.” They might not believe me when I promise that they’ll get a go later. But over time, as they learn that I do what I say, those moments of dysregulation reduce. Trust helps them feel safe and secure.

I make a conscious effort to invest in relationships with these children — often through small, informal interactions. For example, in one school, as I’m setting up in the morning, children walk through the hall. Those who often struggle with regulation tend to drift over for a chat. Those few minutes of connection, outside of structured lesson time, make a huge difference. It builds familiarity, trust, and a sense of safety — for both of us.


3. Use the Language of Fairness
Many children who struggle with turn-taking also have a strong sense of justice. They might not always express it in a way that you understand, but they care deeply about fairness.

I’ve found that making fairness explicit really helps. For example, I’ll say,
“Not everyone will get to choose from the bag today, but I’ll make sure everyone gets a turn across our sessions.”

Then I’ll physically write a list of who’s had a turn, and show the children:
“Here are the names of the children who chose today. Next time, I’ll ask others first.”

This transparency helps them see that you’re being fair — and gives them a sense of predictability. I’ll often acknowledge the emotion too, which I believe is really important.:
“I know it’s disappointing not to get a turn today, but I promise your turn will come.”

4. Create Strategies That Work for Everyone
Managing expectations is key. Be clear about what’s going to happen and what’s not. That way, children aren’t caught off guard when things don’t go their way.

Sometimes, though, we know that one or two children really struggle with waiting. In those cases, I’ll discreetly plan so they’re more likely to get what they need — without anyone else noticing or feeling it’s unfair.

For example:

• When giving out name cards, I might subtly place theirs near the top of the pile so they’re called earlier.
• I might invite a group first — “Everyone on this bench can go now” — choosing a group that includes that child.
• I sometimes pick a fun but neutral rule — like “If your name has a letter E in it, you can choose your mat first” — making sure it includes the child who needs that autonomy, but also others.
  
  
  

This isn’t favouritism — it’s thoughtful differentiation. We’re simply meeting needs in a way that keeps the group dynamic positive and inclusive.

And if all else fails — and a child becomes upset mid-session — I never ask another child to give up their choice to appease someone else. Instead, I offer alternatives:
“I can see you really wanted that zebra soft toy. Jack’s got it today, but would you like to choose one from my bag instead?”

That gives the child more autonomy and choice, without disrupting others or feeding a cycle of guilt and reward.


5. Have Compassion — for Them and for Yourself
Even with the best preparation, there will be days that don’t go to plan. A child might have a meltdown. You might handle it beautifully one week, and less so the next. That’s okay.

Hold compassion for yourself. These situations are emotionally demanding. It’s normal to feel self-critical afterwards or to wish you’d done something differently. What matters is that you care enough to reflect — and to keep learning.

And have compassion for the child too. They’re not trying to ruin your session; they’re trying to feel safe and in control in a world that often feels unpredictable.

If this resonates with you, you might enjoy my training “Tame the Crowd Without Being Loud,” which explores the psychology and neuroscience behind children’s behaviour, with practical tools for creating calm and a feeling of control in your classes.