This evening in my group Well-Being at Home, I talked about out three needs.
This idea comes from McClelland's Human Motivation Theory. The needs described in the theory are; achievement, affiliation and power. I think that this is really interesting to think about when we are looking at the emotions and behaviour of our children (and even ourselves). Say, for example, an older child is trying to help a younger child to do something and the younger one hits them. At first glance it can seem like the younger child is being mean when the older one was trying to help. It is likely that the younger child was motivated by the need to achieve- they wanted to be independent and do it themselves! Or maybe your child is shouting, being rough or giving some attitude after being at school or childcare- exploring deeper, it could be that they have a need for connection with you and don't know how to express this. Maybe your child is very controlling around food or clothing, it may appear that they are being "fussy" it could also be because they are feeling out of control in other areas of life and are wanting to control the things that they can. During these very uncertain times, we will all be struggling with these unmet needs: Lockdown rules will impact on how much connection we can have with loved ones, changes in rules make us feel out of control- we feel we have no power! We may also find it hard to achieve things that we want to because of the situation that we are in. Now is a good time to reflect on our own needs and those of our children. What is behind the behaviour or feeling? Is it a need for power? Connection? Achievement? Can you meet that need in some way?
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Hello everyone,
It has been, again, another intense week in our home and indeed across the world. The news is filled with such serious issues right now and it is very easy to feel overwhelmed. It is important to be informed, listen, learn and grow. It is also important to stay connected with yourself, your family and the moment that you are in. Try to be mindful about how much you are 'letting in' and how it is affecting you. I myself, have found myself drawn into social media more recently. Some of this is healthy and helpful; for example reading up on what I- as a privaleged white person- can do to educate myself and my family. But some of what I have allowed myself to do isn't healthy or helpful for anyone; reading the comments on posts that I know will enrage me, getting annoyed about other people's opinions (even when I don't know that person!). This isn't healthy. Reading all the comments simply to get annoyed by them doesn't help anyone and it negatively impacts on my ability to be present. I wonder if you can relate to this, and if you can, perhaps you might want to decide on some boundaries around social media. I have created some for myself and mine are; * Only go on social media at times decided by myself in advance. * Read posts that are important to read but avoid the comments! * Notice my feelings after being on social media, allow myself time to process these. * Unfollow any pages/ people that make me feel more negative than positive. * Make an effort to follow pages that are positive/ interesting. I think that social media is definitely a powerful tool, but it can also be the source of a low mood or irritated feeling- and it can suck up time! This week, I will be trying to reduce the amount of time that I am on it... wish me luck, I am a complete facebook addict! Keep Well Julia Hello everyone, Happy bank holiday to you - although to us everyday has merged into one and it doesn't make any difference in our house that it is a bank holiday! This week would have been half term for us, I thought I'd still send some activities though, as I know that some of you are finding the ideas useful to connect with your children. We ALWAYS needs connection, even if it's a holiday! Today I want to chat / write about anger. I know this is something that we have seen more of in our house (and not just the kids!) I've also had chats with friends experiencing the same. I just wanted to reassure you that it is normal and I wanted to share an image that I find really helpful to understand anger a bit more. It is taken from The Gottman Institute Dr John and Dr Julie Gottman are clinical psychologists and have dedicated their life's work to relationship health research. If you have a quick look at the other emotions that can surface as anger, you can see so many underlying emotions that are being caused by the current situation; scared, overwhelmed, grief, trapped, nervous, anger, trauma, anxious, unsure, disappointed... goodness, I could go on all day. My point is that what we are experiencing, is causing all sorts of emotions to bubble under the surface and this can make us react quicker and perhaps more aggressively than normal. You may be able to explain this to your children (if they are old enough) too. They may find it helpful to understand their outbursts which can sometimes make them scared. For example, today, I was walking while my eldest rode her bike. As she tried to turn it, the handle bars spun quickly and she was launched forwards. She wasn't hurt but she jumped off it an kicked the bike and shouted "Stupid bike, I almost fell on some glass!" I could have (and probably sometimes in other similar situations have done) told her off for kicking her bike and told her to calm down. Luckily, I caught myself quickly enough to realise that she was acting out of fear, the situation had scared her and her way of responding was with anger. I explained to her why she had kicked the bike and that although she was angry, she was acting out of fear. We talked about the anger iceberg (I've shown her the image before) and she could understand her own behaviour. Instead of the situation escalating (as it has many times before and probably many more to come! No one ever said parenting was easy!) it was actually a really lovely opportunity for connecting. We chatted about times when I've been scared and have acted angrily and how human it is. I guess what I'm trying to say is, try to find the reason behind the anger. They may not know themselves, you may need to do a bit of detective work, perhaps what they say when they are angry will give you a clue. Also, try to validate their feelings, (I wrote about this a few weeks ago, if you didn't catch it, you can read it here) For example: "Ah that's frustrating, you flipped off your bike, that must have been scary. Sometimes when we are scared, it can make us angry, I remember a time when I was scared about ..... and it made me ....." When we feel seen and understood and loved we find it a lot easier to calm down. So, here are my top tips for dealing with anger:
This week in the Well Being at Home Group, I'll be focusing on ideas to support dealing with anger. If you'd like to join the lovely friendly community and free group, please go here! Hope you have a wonderfully calm week! Stay safe! xxx Julia Hello everyone, I don't know about you, but I'm starting to feel the stresses of the situation physically now. I can feel a big knot of tension in my left shoulder and I've had two migraines recently... my body telling me that something is up! If I'm honest, I have spent too much time hunched over a computer and not enough time moving my body - I imagine for those of you trying to juggle working - this is the same for you too. There is a greater intensity to work at the moment, I feel like I HAVE to make the most of the time that I have working while the children are happily occupied, because I know that at any minute- the kids could burst in the room and I would need to stop. Every. Minute. Counts. But holding my breath and typing like a crazy person takes it's toll on the body! So it was timely then to chat with Nichola on Tuesday! Nichola Day is a yoga teacher and we talked about how the body stores stress and how yoga can help to release that stress, if you'd like to see that chat, please go here. If you like yoga and feel like your body needs some, why not check out what Nichola offers here nicholaday.co.uk if you sign up to her newsletter, you can receive a wonderful free neck and shoulder sequence. Here are Nichola's top tips for reducing stress. I have definitely being ignoring the first two this week! Even though I know this is what I need! I'm excited that this weekend I have launched two online courses that you can do in your own time.
If you'd like to learn some strategies for practising yoga and mindfulness at home with your child, why not check them out? They are currently just £27 while schools are closed (after that, they will be £45) Visit my online school (fancy!) here Keep well! x Julia Hello once again, This week I've been thinking a lot about the importance of giving myself a break and not being too hard on myself. I wrote last week about how I had been unwell and unfortunately that continued into this week with a second set of antibiotics and a horrible migraine. This then spiralled for me into a whole host of anxiety fuelled thoughts, what if it is something more serious? What if I need to go to hospital on my own? What if I catch Corona virus because my immune system is low? What if.. What if... What if... I appreciate that this isn't a particularly uplifting blog to be reading right now! I am sharing these feelings because 1) I believe that when we talk openly about mental health issues we take away the power that they have over us 2) I am sure that some of you have experienced similar feelings, I want to voice them and let you know that it IS NORMAL! 3) I want to be completely honest with you, I feel that sometimes it can be damaging to see just positivity quotes and pretend that well-being is JUST positive, happy, smiley #livingyourbestlife. Well-being isn't just about 'focussing on the good and ignoring the bad' I believe that real well-being is about accepting the full range of human experience and acknowledging what we are going through with compassion. So this week, I have not given the children the most exciting experiences that home education can bring. I haven't cooked nutritious and healthy meals. I have napped. I have cried. I have been open about how I'm feeling. Most importantly, I have accepted that this is way it is at the moment and not given myself a hard time about letting people down. I have also tried really hard to not compare my suffering to others who have it worse.... That's a whole other spiral that doesn't achieve anything for anyone. Here are some top tips for well-being that I didn't manage to do everyday this week, I plan to put into action next week (now that I am starting to feel stronger and more able). I hope you find them useful. I hope that you are doing ok, but if you aren't; remember that it is ok to not be ok!
If you would like to join my free, supportive facebook group please go here Warm wishes and stay safe xxx Julia Hey! I hope that you and your loved ones are doing well. I'm going to share with you a Brene Brown quote because, well, I love her! And also because it has meant something to me this week and maybe it might mean something to you too during these weird times we find ourselves in; I love the bit that says
"everytime we honor our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy, the healing that results affects us all" It's so true! I find myself drawn into comparative suffering fairly regularly, 'Oh no, I'm Ok really, lot's of people are in a worse situation, and really I'm very lucky!' It's true. Many people ARE in a worse situation. In the scheme of things I am lucky BUT if I ignore my own hurt or struggle then it doesn't magically disappear and it can drive a wedge between relationships. For example, if I try to be ok, but really I'm not, my ever-so perceptive children will pick up on it and wonder if they have done something wrong or worry. This week I've been unwell, nothing serious, but at the time it felt serious and painful and scary. I was scared that I might have to go to the hospital, I was scared that something was very wrong with me. It turned out that a trip to the Drs, a course of antibiotics and all being well, I should be back to normal in a few days (still not feeling 100% but already so much better). Anyway, my natural response to my thought process was to feel guilt. When I realised that I didn't have to go to hospital I felt so sorry for those who are seriously ill in hospital, and their families etc. etc. I spiral! Comparing my pain to others in a more serious position doesn't help anyone. Belittling my situation, feelings, emotions doesn't either. I'm reading a book at the moment (when I can!) called Self Compassion by Kristin Neff I'm finding it really interesting and it is definitely something I need to work on! So this week was a real practice for me. I allowed myself to rest (thankfully I was able to), I allowed myself to feel a bit glum, I was honest with my family that it hurt and I felt sad that I can't play or do things that I normally do. I tried really hard to model self compassion and allow myself my feelings, without judgement or comparison (not easy, I can tell you!). I want my children to know that their feelings are valid, so I need to show them that mine are too. If you would like weekly ideas about how to support your family's well-being please join my free facebook group. I am really enjoying listening to Brene Brown's Podcast 'Unlocking Us' on the occasions where I get to enjoy a walk on my own. Maybe you might enjoy it too. Warm wishes and stay safe xxx Julia This week I shared in the facebook group an interview with Lindsay Jane Hunter, Theraputic Art and Drama Practitioner. We chatted about creativity, it's importance and how to achieve creativity with limited resources and effort. If you missed it, you can see it here. Studies have shown that even a small amount of creativity each day can boost well-being and increase feelings of positivity (Conner et al. 2016). So I really encourage you to find a way to both be creative yourself and encourage your children to do so. I feel after 5 weeks of staying at home I am starting to feel the need for some new ideas and I am really happy to share with you a list from Lindsay which will hopefully provide you with some fun creativity ideas for you to try: My main realisations from the interview were that; creativity isn't always messy, you can be creative with very little resources and saying "yes" more (when you are able to) will often lead to some really imaginative and fun activities. I really hope that you find this useful. If you have a go at any of these, please feel free to share them in the facebook group!
If you would like to receive weekly ideas and resources for enhancing the well-being of your family please join my mailing list here. Keep well and stay safe xx Julia Hello! I hope that you and your loved ones are well. In my home we are now just entering into our fifth week of being home with no school. Emotions are running high and both children are needing quite a lot of emotion coaching at the moment. I really love the work of Professor Marc Brackett and want to share with you a couple of his quotes that I really relate to at the moment: "Hurt feelings don't vanish on their own. They don't heal themselves. If we don't express our emotions, they pile up like a debt that will eventually come due." Sometimes it's tempting to say "Stop crying!" and "Calm down!" (these are phrases that I have definitely used more often than I would like!). It's much more healthy for us to address what is really going on. That takes a lot of time and patience, it isn't easy and it isn't pretty! There is often crying, shouting, accusing and also snot to sit with. I wouldn't say that I have this completely covered 100%, but on the occasions when it has worked, it has been because I've held back from talking and have listened and offered hugs. Stopping a child from expressing their emotion doesn't make it disappear. Another quote of Marc's that I love is: "Labelling your emotions is key. If you can name it, you can tame it" This is where the coaching comes in. When children are upset, it isn't enough for us to say "It's ok". Quite often children don't even know what "it" is. In fact a lot of adults find it hard to label their emotions. In practical terms, this is where you reflect back the emotions that the child is feeling and also validate them. For example "You are feeling really disappointed that your brother doesn't want to sit on your bed for the story, he said he would and now he's changed his mind and that is really upsetting. It's hard when people change their mind, being disappointed doesn't feel nice, would you like a hug?" works better than "Stop fussing and go to sleep!". Experience of both strategies have taught me that although it's quicker to snap, it doesn't lead to a quick bedtime! I am not a perfect parent. I do not communicate with my children like this all the time; those who know me well will attest to this! But I do believe that the emotional literacy of our children is key to their well-being. I have realised that at times when we are being creative, we find it easier to talk. My children often share thoughts or worries when they are doing or making. With this in mind, I have interviewed theraputic arts and drama practioner, Lindsay Jane Hunter about creativity at home. I will be sharing the link to this on Tuesday evening in the facebook group Julia Hankins Well-Being at Home. It can be accessed at anytime, in it Lindsay talks about the benefits and practicalities of bringing creativity into your home, even if you don't feel creative. I loved chatting about this and I hope that you will find it useful. Keep well and keep safe Julia x This week, I am thinking about love languages and how they relate to our well-being. My reason for this is that I realised today that I haven't really been paying much attention to the love languages of my family recently. For me it's a really useful thing to consider when you are having a disconnection from someone. For example, me and my husband have different ways of showing our love and sometimes I find myself irritated that he hasn't spent much time connecting with me through conversation (something that is one of MY love languages) and completely over-looking the fact that he has mended something of mine without being asked or spent time creating something for us to use as a family (which is HIS language of love). We all show our feelings in different ways and sometimes when we feel our needs aren't being met, we can make the assumption that we aren't being loved or cared for. This happened in my home today. My 8 year old shouted "No-one even cares about ME!" This is following an argument with her sibling, I had sat down and offered her a hug to talk about it and she threw herself across the room shouting that no-one cares for her. At some point I can imagine myself being irritated by her reaction and telling her that I was there trying to give her love and she didn't want it (escalating the situation even more) BUT something in me knew that this wouldn't help. I realised that I was trying to show love through physical touch (normally something that she loves) but this just wasn't what she needed or was craving for. It turned out that she had felt that she hadn't had much quality time together today - true as I was shattered as I didn't sleep well last night and to be completely honest had been busying myself with jobs and tasks rather than connecting with anyone! Anyway to make a LOOOONG story short(ish) we chatted and cuddled and both realised that we needed to do something together. It made me think that this week in my home I'd like to be aware of our love languages - when we are showing love to each other. I plan to draw attention to the ways that we all show love so that we can appreciate each other a little bit more. For example, when my 5 year old walks into the bathroom- while I'm on the toilet- to give me a dandelion that he has plucked from the garden, I'll try to notice that he is giving me a gift which is an act of love and I'll TRY to receive it well; as that is also an act of love! I hope you have a fantastic week!
If you haven't yet joined the facebook group, please do as I share photos and videos in there that you may find helpful. Warm wishes Julia Hello! I hope that you and your loved ones are safe and well. What a rollercoaster of a week this has been! Schools in England have been closed for a week due to Covid 19.
At some points I've been feeling incredibly lucky and almost like I'm on holiday and at others, I've been gripped by fear and worry for the future! I think these are all normal things to feel in this uncertain time and I know from my mindfulness practice and training, it is important to acknowledge the whole range of feelings. There are so many presssures (both internal and external) that can make us feel like we need to be busy all of the time, doing all of the things; exercise programmes online, daily walk, 'home educating', keeping on top of work, planning and managing the home etc etc the list is endless and if you are anything like me, your brain will be adding to the list of 'doing' things; since last week I have worked my way around cleaning and sorting each cupbaord in the kitchen! Those of you who know me well, will know that cleaning isn't really my thing, so I know that it must be linked to feelings of anxiety and need for control. It is completely normal to want to fill your day with a routine for some predictability, please allow space within that to take 'time in' with yourself to allow yourself to feel those feelings that you might be trying to ignore. Lean into them, be curious about it, what sensations are you having in your body? What feelings are you feeling? Allow them to come. If this is something you would like to do more of, I'll soon be launching a 'mini course' on mindfulness for yourself, just as soon as I have figured out the technology! Warm wishes Julia |
From Julia
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May 2024
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